Me and my mother cuddling
My mother and I enjoy a warm, loving, and respectful relationship with each other, but it wasn’t always that way.For the first fifty years of my life our relationship was pseudo. Even though I was an adult I was still a little girl wanting my mother to be the mom I needed and wanted.
How I related to my mother began to change in the late 80′s when I started weekly therapy sessions. I was looking for a way to make sense of my life and was identifying my dysfunctional and co-dependency issues. I also was learning the process of individuation, of setting boundaries, and of seeing who I was and what I needed in life.
During this time I decided to leave my twenty-one year marriage. I called my mother to tell her and instead of being heard and supported she questioned my decision-making abilities and was very angry with me. I wanted to lash out at her, but instead I hung up and cried as I wrote my feelings in my journal. My long-buried anger for not feeling supported and championed by her my entire life had finally made its way into my consciousness.
http://www.godlywoman.co/2011/11/why-women-cry.html
As I worked on this issue with my therapist I was able to see the hurt I carried. I always wanted my mother to take up for me and believe in me, but she didn’t seem to be able to do that.
Grappling with my anger I distanced myself from her. She could not understand my anger and I was not able to speak any of my truth to her. The inevitable happened; we drifted apart.
http://photobucket.com/images/drifting%20apart
As I continued in therapy I came to see my anger was not just at her. I was an adult and I still had not learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way. I didn’t know if the decisions I made were good or bad, and I didn’t have a clue who I was or what mattered to me. I’d lived all of my life behaving and responding to things that I was finding didn’t even matter to me. I was so used to doing what I thought was right and what I hoped would win others approval, I didn’t realize that I did not approve of or accept myself. But then, how could I? I didn’t even know myself.
At the same time I was working on these life issues, I was also transitioning from a patriarchal belief system into a matriarchal one. I was learning about goddess energy and embracing this compassionate feminine energy in my life. I also was researching women’s history and seeing clearly the plight of women in this world.
www.goddessmandala.com
Goddess Willendorf
As I understoof the need for women to support women, I developed loving and compassionate relationships with a lot of women. I no longer viewed females as competition, instead I saw them as sisters paddling the same boat in the confusing and overwhelming sea of patriarchy.
In the midst of this unfolding in my life, my eyes opened and I saw my mother as another woman on the path who was struggling with all the issues other women face. She was no longer just my mother. She was like me, scared and insecure, and longing for love, acceptance, support and empowerment. I knew she’d given life and her children the best she had. In that moment, I forgave her for her lack of emotional availability.
We drew very close to each other and this time our relationship was real. It no longer lacked substance and I did not have to pretend everything was okay. I confided in her and spoke my truth and she listened to me. We were both different and our relationship blossomed.
Me & my mother on Mothers Day 2012
Last year we had a horrible, life-changing family event that wreaked havoc on our relationship. In my desire to help her I lost her, and I knew I could not fix it. I stepped back into a safe space for healing, forgave her and let it go. Every day I thought about her and cried, and every day I blessed her and let her go. I thought she was gone forever and we would never reconcile.
One night about seven months ago, she called. Over and over she told me how she missed me and needed me in her life. I heard her loneliness and knew she was missing me as much as I missed her. I didn’t have to think twice about what she was asking. I was ready to pick up where we left off and be present to her again.
We now share many intimate moments where she speaks her pain and we cry together. Then there are those times when we play cards and recall family incidents and laugh till we pee our pants. I am interested in all facets of her life and encourage her to talk to me.
I love my mother very much and I treasure our relationship. I love sitting with her and listening to her stories. I consider myself blessed beyond belief because I’ve had two opportunities to experience authentic healing with my mother. I accept her for who she is and where she is and I consider her one of my closest friends.
U left: Mother in LSU garb
U right: Us in 1990′s
Center: Mother in 1980
Bottom: Us in 2004
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My dear Brenda, if there was one post I am glad I read today, it would be this one.
It must take a certain courage and transcendance to forgive someone whom it is perfectly natural to expect acceptance and support from. I have over the last few months come to cherish your words of wisdom and gentle kindness. I believe it comes from having walked through some of life’s difficult moments but Brenda, what flows from you today is an unmistakeable depth and strength so beautiful to all whose life you touch.
I am blessed by you and the way you turn and re-write the script of your life. All my love to you and may you enjoy these special moments with your mother. Sharon
Sharon, Thank you for your kind and supportive words.
I’m not only blessed to have a nice relationship with my mother, but also by the beautiful souls I have met on this journey, you being one of them. You inspire me.
Brenda,
This is a very powerful post.
So many of us have either drifted away from our parents or maintained a false relationship with them. Too few of us have managed what you have- to come back from those distant and false relationships to something real and honest.
I mended fences with my father before he died, but never had a really intimate and deep relationship with him. But I now understand that he was struggling with his own issues of course. I wish that I could have understood that when he was alive.
This is an exceptional piece of sharing and writing.
Thank you, Brenda.
Tom
Thank you, Tom. This relationship with my mother is really a gift and is one I am most grateful for.
I understand about your dad struggling with his own issues…same thing with my mother. She is who she is and where she is.
I appreciate your kind comment.
That’s a wonderful piece Brenda, and I related to it so much. I too have had a tumultuous relationship with my mother, and a big family crisis at the beginning of this year that threatened to shatter my relationship with her….but all I can do now is let it go because ultimately we are a product of our parents’ love and one day they will not be around for us to share our love with them. We have to look at them as humans, who’ve been hurt and have vulnerabilities just like us. The real test is to understand and accept that they may not approach their pain, or heal from it, in the same way as we do, but still love them for who they are.
You are so right. Because we’ve chosen this path doesn’t mean they have to make the same choice. Loving and accepting others where they are is what true compassion is about. And one step beyond that, is actually appreciating and respecting their walk.
Thank you for your beautiful, sensitive comment. And thank you for reading my blog. Hugs, Brenda
You wrote most of the story of my relationship with my mother. I, too, wanted her to be the mother I needed. At a time of deepest stress, she rejected me. It took years to realize that for her to believe me it would mean she’d have to admit she made a huge mistake. It put me in daily peril for years. I survived and eventually knew her motivations. I forgave her. I never forgot my fears and anger, but I let it go. In her later years, she lived with us. We laughed. We peed. We cried. We read together. And at last, I let her go, her job done. I miss her every damned day. Thank you, Brenda, for the post.
Your comment really touched my heart, Betsy. Even though she’s 91, I can’t imagine my mother not being around. I wonder if we ever get over the loss of our mothers. Unlike any other relationships, we are truly connected in every way possible for 9 months. Hugs, Brenda
Thank you soooooo’ much, Brenda for sharing something so personal and having the courage to step into your truth and heal the relationship with your mother. I cried reading this post, as I too have been on a similar journey, so relate completely.
Big hugs in this never-ending journey of love, self healing and respect for one another ♥
Thank you, Michele. It is a never-ending journey, isn’t it? Thanks for being a fellow traveller. Love and hugs, Brenda
It’s a constant journey, a constant surprise. Bless our mirrors….
Yes, Rosie. Bless our mirrors, and bless the intention and desire which gives us eyes to see what’s in the mirror.
Pretty special…I’m glad you did the work.
Thank you, kd. I’m glad I did also.