http://glasraroughri.blogspot.com/2010/08/hearing-voices-in-my-head.html
I’m getting very clear about the voices I hear in my head. No, I’m not schizophrenic. The voices I’m talking about are those of my critical parents and caregivers. That host of voices from the past who apparently are still alive and well in my psyche.
When I tell myself not to get too happy and celebrate too much because everything could fall apart tomorrow, that’s my grandmother’s voice. When my conscience tells me I should be doing something other than what I’m doing, that’s my grandfathers voice. When I feel guilty for having long grey, curly hair and dressing like a hippie, that’s my mother’s voice telling me it’s wrong. Those voices remind me that I shouldn’t feel too good, I should work harder and longer, I should be thinner, and I should definitely have short, dark brown hair, even though I’m seventy.
I believe we all experience guilt, trepidation, and fear in our lives because of those voices that still chide us even though we are adults. Unless we’ve had extensive therapy and have learned the art of individuation, like it or not, our parents and caretakers values and rules are alive and well in our head.
http://impressyourkids.org/tag/top-ten/page/2/
They still attempt to take control and help us in our decision making. They tell us we need to stay in a loveless and sometimes abusive relationship for the sake of the children, we need to carry all the weight of the world because we’re women, we need to always be available to our children, we’re not really smart enough or equipped to tackle that job or career move, we make bad choices in men and finances, and we shouldn’t complain because there are others who are worse off than we are.
How do we get rid of these voices? How do we become one who lives out of authenticity and not from a set of values and beliefs that may not even belong to us? We start by noticing the judgments inherent in our thoughts. We have to see them to identify them.
We commit to making the journey within to the unconscious world of our shadow-Self. This is a long process and there are no quick fixes on the healing path. Because we live in an instant, make it all better quick world, there are not many who are willing to do this work. I do know from experience that as disagreeable as the journey may seem, the rewards make it a worthwhile challenge.
google image: http://lindasyoga.com
When we are willing to do this clearing work we reap the benefit of drilling down into our core and seeing who we are at our center. We get to see what parts of Self we left back in our childhood, and what we gave up to conform to the rules of our family, society, culture, and religion.
I remember the first time I became aware of the voices in my head. It was in the late 80′s and I was in the process of leaving a twenty-one year marriage. About a year after I was married I knew I’d made a mistake. I had chosen someone who was extremely different from me in upbringing and beliefs. It wasn’t long before we started butting heads and I saw his extreme negativity. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to my children but I stayed because I knew it was what my family expected of me.
When I started in therapy and began to grow in a sense of who I was and what I wanted, I knew I could walk away from the masquerade of being okay with this person. When I told my mother what I was going to do she said, “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re never satisfied, are you? He is a good man and he’s good to you and the children. You’re just being silly.”
http://rohinikm.blogspot.com/2012/05/judged-or-ignored.html
If I remember correctly I gave a brief answer and hung up. I was confused and guilty and sat for a long time thinking about my situation. Remembering what I had learned in therapy, I knew I needed to make a decision based on what was going to work for me, not for her or anyone else. I found the courage to decide for myself and what I knew I needed. That was the beginning of my process of individuation and learning what I wanted for myself.
I’m writing this today because this morning I had an aha moment about the voices in my head. Someone said to me over the weekend, “I’m so glad things are looking up for you and Paul.” Instead of responding with, “Me too, it feels good,” I played it down with, “Well in this work situation you’re right.” I tried to make light of how blessed I feel because the voice in my head reminded me that pain follows pleasure. Upon seeing what I was doing, I decided it is safe to celebrate and be ecstatic about how wonderful my life is. Yes, I will have more valleys because that’s part of the journey, but it is safe to celebrate and shout from the mountaintops.
google image: http://reshapetheendion.com
Who is in charge of your decisions? Before you answer too quickly, pay attention to how you make your decisions and who you’re trying to please. Take notice of the critical parent and caretaker voices playing on an endless loop in your unconsciousness. Do you criticize yourself and feel guilty about some of your choices? Whose guilt are you carrying? Yours or someone elses who told you something was wrong because it may have been wrong for them.
You choose whether to keep listening to the voices in your head, or whether to shut them down and choose based on your own needs and beliefs. It’s your life.
The individuation process sung to Domo Arrigato
Hi Brenda, I read this post and broke down in tears. This is something that I struggle with everyday, trying to please everyone. I want so much to grow and develope on my new journey, a passion I have had for such a long time, many years in fact, but always ending up conforming to “others” expectations. It is a slow battle and very challenging, the challenge I am also having with my own daughter, trying so hard to not put too much of my own expectations on her needs, but I am slowly, slowly, learning to let go.
Thank you so much for this post. This is something I needed so much at this time. Sadly, my grandmother and mother are both gone, so I feel truly blessed and humbled to be part of this loving circle of women, who will be there for me, that I can turn to for advise as I stumble along on this journey.
Many, many thanks to you,
Love Caroline xxx
Dear Caroline,
The work of individuation is also called “shadow work.” In their groundbreaking book, “Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature,” authors, Zweig and Abrams say, “The goal of shadow work cannot be accomplished with a simple method or trick of the mind. Rather, it is a complex, ongoing struggle that calls for great commitment, vigilance, and the loving support of others who are traveling a similar road.”
So, don’t feel alone in your struggle. All on this path have to deal with struggle and challenges but that is how we learn to be true to who we are. I’m glad you’re part of the Goddess Circle. I have a circle of women on facebook called Heart Friends and I’m going to include you in it. It is a closed circle so it’s not very large but it is filled with powerful and empowering women.
Goddess bless you. You are not alone and who you are does matter. Love to you also, Brenda
It’s very hard to deny the voices we’ve heard since we were born, yet we can do it. We can look in the mirror and ask if the voices are right about us. About us where we are today. We can’t change what was said in the past, but we can go forward and chase them away. A dear friend reminded me long ago that guilt was in the mind of the recipient. What she meant was, you can only feel bad/guilty/whatever if you want to. I consider the origin of the put-down. Someone will always try to puncture your contentedness balloon. Only if we let them…
You’re so right, Betsy. We can’t change the past. All we can do is forgive and move on.
Thank you for reading and for leaving a comment.
Brenda,
You speak to something that exists within each of us. So many of us have constructed our lives out of the expectations of others. We do “hear” their voices every day and feel the weight of their judgment. Never good enough, they say. Who says you deserve to be happy? And on and on.
You show us that the first step is self-awareness. After that, the struggle, which you so perfectly capture in this post, begins. Forgiveness is a big part, I believe. Forgiving yourself always, forgiving those from the past who put these weights upon you.
Strength is needed of course. Reading your words, and thinking of your example, helps.
Thanks much for an eloquent voice on something so central, so important.
Tom
Good morning, Tom.
Thanks for mentioning another large element of individuation, which is forgiveness.
Thinking back on the part of my journey of learning to differentiate between their voice and my own needs, I do remember going through the process of forgiveness.
first I was angry but then forgiveness came. I went through quite a few months where I could hardly speak to my mother I was so pissed. My therapist helped me to embrace my anger and process it and thankfully the day came when the sun shone again and I saw my mother in a new light.
In my process I went from a relationship of mother-daughter to woman to woman. When I saw her as another woman who had her own set of struggles in life, I gained a new appreciation for her and fell in love with her as a trusted friend.
Like everything else on this journey of unfolding, nothing is quick or a one-shot deal. It’s a never-ending, life-long process of becoming.and remembering.
Thank you for your beautiful words. I appreciate you. Brenda
Totally awesome post, Brenda. I am going to sit with this a bit as you suggest before I answer off the top of my head but I can say that I’m getting sooooo’ much better at shutting those voices down and letting go of conditioning.
We need to be who WE are and not what someone else today or in the past expects or thinks we should be. Thank you for an honest and empowering post that really poses some great questions.
Big love
Goddess ‘chele X
Thank you, Michele.
Being who we are is not an option when we’re on this path. Those around us may not be very pleased when we change our dance, but we have to unfold and remember. Love and hugs to you. Brenda