Is it just me or is anyone else aware of the unmerciful onslaught of positivity in the world? It feels like a giant wave rolling over us that brings reproach to those who aren’t part of the movement.
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It’s premise is to be positive, speak only of the good, and deny any hurt ,uncertainty, sadness or concern. Extreme positivity encourages us to pretend and belive everything is okay as long as we deny it isn’t.
I am all for positive thinking and optimism and I consider it a great attitude when it is actually our reality. I would describe myself as a positive person who generally sees the glass half full. However, I am also for speaking my truth and being authentic.
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I hear from so many people who dare to tell the truth about their life and then apologize for being angry or sad. They express guilt over not being positive. I also personally know many who won’t admit to being hurt, crushed, afraid, angry or depressed, for fear of 1) being judged for not being positive, and 2) being struck by a lightning bolt for speaking of their shadows and darkness. It’s become anathema to be real.
Somehow we’ve bought into this belief that if we speak our truth we’ll be punished by the gods that be. It’s like we move and live in a fog of denial for what’s really so. Barbara Ehrenreich, in her book BRIGHT-SIDED (see Books I Recommend), says this relentless promotion of positive thinking has a downside which is personal self-blame and national denial.
I have learned that I can live in bliss and have a life of peace and joy while I continue to speak my truth and be present to my shadow-self. In fact, I can cry, be depressed or angry, feel lethargic and uninspired, and admit it to myself and others and still know in my core that this too shall pass and I’m okay in the midst of it all. When we live in a place of thinking something is wrong with out truth as it is, we automatically learn to deny ourselves.
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I understand that smiles, when they are real, are contagious. I also understand that the contagious effect applies when the smile is not forced, but comes from a genuine happy feeling. To live from a forced state of well-being and positivity does not necessarily make for a happy life.
A recent meta-analysis of over one-hundred studies of self-reported happiness worldwide found Americans ranking only 23rd. Americans account for 2/3 of the global market for antidepressants, which happens to be the most commonly prescribed drug in the U.S. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/11/061113093726.htm We rank 150th among the worlds nations in The Happy Planet Index. http://rankingamerica.wordpress.com/2009/01/11
It is a conundrum. If positivity is the right way to do it, why are we depressed and anxious? Could it possibly be because we’re missing the opportunity for real peace, contentment and healing by denying what’s really going on within?
I believe a big part of the purpose of the emerging powerful energy and light that is present now is to enable us to experience deep healing work within. It is an opportune time to see and walk in authenticity. Because of the light, more is being exposed and if we’re willing to see it and have the courage to step off of the positivity cloud, we can possibly heal our soul.
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Yes, I know we should think positive and all, but we have to consider the negative possibilities. Because when all we think about is the positive side, we’re not prepared to the worst possibility. And when we get the worst, we will be shocked and disappointed. So I think we need some thoughts of the negativity to keep us being tough and balanced.
But great post, anyway
I think you’re on to something. Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment.
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Readers may also be interested in a research article by Katherine Peil (Harvard) who has made a very convincing scientific case that emotions provide guidance to us. Her paper is available at http://www.emotionalsentience.com. A watered down (laypersons) version of her paper is available on my site.
Thank you for your comment, Jeanine. I could not log onto the link you provided. I keep getting an error message. Could you send the link to your site? I would like to read some of the article.
I appreciate you for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. I hope you will visit again.
Hi,
Sorry for the delay. My site is http://www.happiness1st.com. The article is in the blog section (page 1 – right now) and is the title includes the words 6th sense. There is a link to Katherine’s page in the blog.
Thank you Jeanine.
You are spot on that authenticity is more important than positivity.
The benefits of positivity are enormous (health and well-being wise and also in better relationships) but false positivity is a recipe for ill-health.
It is not about placing a blanket of positivity over things that occur and calling stuff that stinks good.
It is about focusing on things that do feel good and when the focus cannot be changed, finding the very best way of perceiving the situation but the “best way to perceive it” is not about false positivity — it is about actually finding a better-feeling way of looking at a situation.
One way to become more positive in an authentic way is to focus on things that you appreciate.
Once you get in the habit of appreciation you can be anywhere and find things to appreciate about where you are. You could be in a miserable situation in a miserable place and still find something upon which to focus upon that will feel better.
There will be times when you are in a good place when your appreciation for so many things flows out of you.
Your life and your world will feel more beautiful when you choose to appreciate at least three things every day. Those around you will also tend to see the world in a better light as you share your observations of things you appreciate.
Questions from old friends such as “Weren’t you upset that ……..” will startle you as you looked at the positive aspects of the situation and did not even notice the not so positive aspects until the friend pointed them out and even then your focus will not remain there.
This may seem like you are living in a fairytale land but when you remember that almost everything we get upset about is something we have no control over, the actions of others, what good is focusing on the negative aspects.
If your child decides to go to a college that is less desirable than what you would prefer but you focus upon positive aspects of the decision she has made doesn’t that serve you and your child and your relationships better than focusing on the negative aspects?
If your child later changes their mind and decides to change schools, what serves your better, focusing on the positive aspects of the new choice, or the negatives? Again, focusing on the positive aspects serves you and your relationship better.
Likewise, if your spouse makes a decision that has positive and negative aspects, what serves your relationship with your spouse better?
When you focus on the aspects of another that please you they tend to give you more of the pleasing stuff and you get less of the not so pleasing stuff as a result.
No one can authentically look at something they do not like and feel positive. But we do have control over what we focus on and we can choose to focus on things that feel good to us. Perhaps not exclusively; the goal is not to ignore things that must be tended to — but to return easily to a good-feeling place. Just knowing we know how to return to feeling good can help us be more resilient during the less than good times.
Hi Jeanine,
I see false positivity the same as putting beautiful chocolate frosting on a cake of crap. The cake looks beautiful to others, but if you remove the frosting you know the cake is crap.
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Brenda, this is such an important insight.
I embrace the positive of course. But I need the negative too. Some of the people I love and care about struggle with dark feelings, a lot. I love them- but I also learn from them and draw strength from their example of making their way through the darkness.
A great, great post.
Tom
Tom: Thank you for your supportive comment.
I don’t perceive darkness as negative. Rather, I see it as the shadow side that is not as clearly seen as the lighter aspects of my life. An example of a piece of my shadow side is my fear of rejection and abandonment. These aspects aren’t negative, they just are part of what makes the whole of me.
I appreciate your taking the time to stop by and read my blog.
Great post, Brenda and speaking our truth and feeling the pain and working through the dark stuff is something I’ve always advocated. Your post is timely and I agree there is an awful lot of stuff out there about being positive all the time and only by the use of positive affirmations we will get what we want.
It’s actually a tough one really. I do believe in affirmations – I do believe that if we behave as though we already have what we desire doors will open which is in slight conflict with the great video above about ‘The Antedote’.
I always think laughter is better for you than anti-depressants. Taking yourself to see a comedy with a friend and having a good belly laugh is great for the soul in good times and in bad. Cheering ourselves up, whether it be hanging with our pets or our best friends or reading a great book or watching a sad movie – lots of reasons to cry and cry and just get it out and it’s all justified LOL.
Seriously, though there is a dark side to it all and we have to acknowledge our grief, depression, sadness, fear or whatever it is that is considered unacceptable by our society if we are not bouncing around with happiness and beaming smiles. Having a stranger smile at us can cheer us up and smiles and laughter does have a beneficial effect on our health. So I’m not against motivational speakers who get us riled up and excited and believe we CAN DO anything because the reality is we can.
All the positive stuff is exceptionally good and important to live our lives by IMHO BUT acknowledging we’re in a dark place will actually allow us to work through the pain so when we feel the light again – we have passed through the ugly zone and it’s less likely to crop up again in the future. All the positive stuff helps us get through the hard days so long as we’re still acknowledging our pain.
Once we start stuffing our emotions and believing we can’t feel bad that’s where the trouble really lies and will come back time and time again throughout the years, as we never processed the grief the first time around.
Long response – I should blog about this myself LOL. Do I have your permission to reblog your post, Brenda as part of my next post?
Reblog away, please.
Thanks for your comment, Michele. You make some good points. Stuffing our emotions does set us up for the experience of running into the same brick wall over and over. What we resist, persists, so denial does not make anything go away. Over the long haul, I believe denial only exacerbates a situation.
Love and hugs coming your way. Brenda
How interesting…I saw this book yesterday on the shelf I was browsing at the library. I skimmed the title and the subtitle, and without opening the book to explore further, I nonetheless thought, “How true…”
I’m all for trying to look for the silver lining in a situation, but have always had a problem with folks who seek to gloss over or deny completely the pain or difficulty in a situation—especially the ones who pull out “There are so many people who are going through much worse things…” or start to talk how much worse they have it, essentially bulldozing past what the person who is hurting is going through. Such deflecting invalidates the person’s experience and makes it that much harder to move through the healing/grieving process. If you break your toe, it’s certainly not a reason to prepare your will, but the injury still needs to be recognized and acknowledged and treated.
Hi Viki,
I believe people deflect others feelings when they have not allowed those same feelings in themselves. If I am not willing to be with my sadness, I probably won’t be able to be with yours either. I detest someone trying to make me laugh when I’m sad in an attempt to get me away from my experience. I don’t know about other societies but here in the U.S it is how most react. I find it very sad that there are such a large number who are so uncomfortable with our feelings, we have to pretend they’re not there.
Thank you for reading and for your comment.
I think you’re right. I’ve known people as well who go one step further and try to “fix” your problem so that they don’t have to witness your pain.
When I had to put my dog Cheyenne down, my boss at the time emailed the head of the local SPCA immediately, from whom I had an email waiting for me when I returned to work (I took a day off because I couldn’t stop crying and would have been useless at work). My boss kept asking me about getting another dog, but I just wasn’t ready—I was still grieving the loss of Cheyenne and was still prone to be weepy over it. One day, a couple of weeks or so later, she finally suggested we go to the SPCA and “just look”—in the middle of the work day! So we went, and as it turns out, I found Darcey that day, but I insisted on being able to go home and think about it for a few days. All’s well that ends well, and I’m grateful to have found Darcey, but I know that my boss was motivated mostly by her own discomfort (I know her well, so I’m comfortable making that assessment).
By the way, I love synchronicity. My friend Karl posted this on Facebook today:
Oh wow. Iloe this. I’m going to share it on facebook and may post it on my blog in the future. Would it be okay to repost?
Thank you for sending this to me.
I hear what you’re saying about the dog. Another observation I’ve made is that many on a spiritual path think relating to our humanity is not spiritual. It’s like some are trying to escape the human experience because it’s not spiritual enough. Sad.
Absolutely! Re-post as much as you like.
Hi Viki
Totally agree. Same things have happened to me with my animals every time. People say, I shouldn’t feel so debilitated, I shouldn’t have the day off work. Need to keep busy, it was just a dog, or it was just a cat.
They’re only animals and the best way to get over is get another one! Grrrr…makes me mad as hell.
The loss can be unbearable for some people. You, Brenda, me – I know we feel the loss of our animals greatly. They are family and in some cases more loyal than any of my two-legged friends or family.
And yeah, totally sick of people saying: ‘There are so many people so much worse off than you.’ Doh! We know that! There always will be.
But as you said, a broken toe is a broken toe and it has to be acknowledged and treated.
Rant over
Michele, When someone says to me, “It’s only an animal” I respond with, “well, we’re only people.”
Cool response, Brenda
I like that and will remember it for next time, which I hope I don’t hear that again, but I no doubt will as people seem to think they hold supremacy over animals…
You are onto something. Comparisons with others, whether they show us in a better or a worse situation, is not a healthy way to go about finding a better-feeling place.
in fact, the habit of comparing oneself to others tends to roll both ways. If one is in the habit then they make those comparisons frequently “I am better off than that person” and “I am not as well off than that person”. Neither really feels very good. Feeling that our situation is worse actually leads to a significantly shorter lifespan. But, the flip side is that, at the core of who we are, we all want good for everyone (even if this is hidden behind many layers that disguise this desire pretty thoroughly — if you get through those layers the desire is there) so finding that another is not doing well does not bring us true pleasure. By comparison we may feel better than we felt before making the comparison but such comparisons do not bring us in the vicinity of true happiness – just better than a bad spot.
There are more effective ways to feel better that bring longer lasting benefits.
I agree. When we pull back the layers we find the bulk of who we truly are residing underneath the crap.
I will send your response to pathwriter. I’m sure she will be as interested in what you have to say as I am.
Thanks again for your wise words.
An excellent piece Brenda on being authentic without either selling out to denial to what is or become submerged in self-destructive thought patterns. Thank you for writing boldly and simply. It is indeed refreshing to be here again. Hugs, Sharon
Sharon
Thank you for your kind and supportive comment. It feels like this is the time to be bold and just put it out there. There is so much energy present right now for healing…it is an optimal time and I am taking advantage of it on a personal level. Hugs to you too, Brenda.
Great post – I can really identify with all you have to say. We just have to let our emotions flow through us. Not always easy when we’re feeling miserable! But the quote is very relevant also – it is only when we follow our inner truth that unexpected doors will open.
Thanks Gemma. You’re right, it’s not always easy, but what is the alternative?
Thank god there are many on the planet today who are not willing to take the easy path. I am meeting people who are in this process of deep healing and feeling.
Thank you for reading and for leaving your beautiful comment. I appreciate your words. Hugs, Brenda
I’m very positive about this piece Brenda!
You, of course, know I share your stance here. I always say “embrace the entire spectrum of emotions!” Our human inheritance. It wasn’t until I could feel everything (yeah the dark stuff too) that I could deeply appreciate joy.
Monica Jane, Yes, I know we are in agreement with this issue of being real and embracing it all. I love how you put it, “our human inheritance.” I get the feeling that many think if they embrace their humanity they are denying their spirituality. What do you think?