It is a lovely day, and as I sat on my porch this morning I noticed how my spirit was immersed in gratitude for where my life is today.
I remember the days and years when I lived with panic attacks, night terrors, depression, and raw fear. It felt like there was a constant clamoring internally and there was no button to shut it off. Those emotional and psychological illnesses were my companions, they ran my life for close to forty years. During those times, I never imagined I would one day abide in deep peace and have the life I have now.
I don’t remember any specific incident where I agreed to take the healing journey I am on. There were many times, when distraught with fear and emotional pain, I would cry out for help. I said no special prayers, nor did I invoke any specific god. I just cried out to whoever or whatever could hear me. What I learned in the process is when you ask from the pit of your being, you will receive.
Help did show up. It came in many forms with many faces and I paid attention to each as they beckoned to me to put my foot on the path.
There was the est training, metaphysics classes, reading about buddhism, looking at the life of christ and the lessons he taught, over a year and a half of healing the child within therapy, psychodrama, miraculous, goddess love, A Course in Miracles, many great spiritual teachers and leaders, the holy spirit, god energy, angels, earth based beliefs, sacred music, and women friends to love and support me on my journey to wholeness.
Paying attention to all that was available, whether it was in my box of beliefs I carried around with me or not, drew me into the experience of knowing grace and mercy.
I have stayed the course and followed the path before me through dark and light, ups and downs, and joys and sorrows. And here I am, over thirty years later, still following the path to healing and wholeness.
Does this mean there are no “down” times in my life? Not at all. I have my share of control issues, I feel anxious about my unhealed thoughts, and I sometimes feel anger and shame, disappointment, and sadness.
But, here is the difference between now and then.
♥ My darkness is filled with light, my sorrow with joy, and my fear and torment with everlasting peace.
♥ My days and nights are light, I see clearly who and what I am, I sense and follow my purpose.
♥ I live with a tranquil mind, acceptance in my heart, and love, forgiveness, and compassion for myself and others.
♥ I am no longer afraid of the dark and when called, I can walk into it and sit still until my eyes adjust. The bogey men are gone.
My life is full and is unlimited. I can have as much or as little as I desire. The choice is mine. The more I am willing to surrender and to step beyond the “safe” barriers of my perceptions, the bigger life gets and the deeper and more abiding the peace within.
Because I have learned to trust in that which is greater than me, I will continue to do the work required to complete this journey home. I am willing to keep breaking open and letting it all go .
My cup runneth over.