I have come to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I want to live in peace I have to lay down my sword and shield. I cannot attack and have peace at the same time. The two do not go together and cannot be held in the same context.
This means I have to give up attack thoughts and behaviors. To live in peace demands I put aside all ugliness and ignorance that feeds racism, bigotry, homophobia, and other harsh judgments and actions. It is imperative to do this if I want to have peace within. I cannot hate without and be at peace within.
I also cannot have self-hatred and be at peace. Every attack on Self produces enmity within. Attacks such as, “I’m ugly, stupid, lazy, too fat, dumb, a loser, inadequate, worthless, unlovable, cheap, and the list could go on ad infinitum, are harsh judgments made against the Self. Attack thoughts against Self annihilate our soul’s worth.
My journey to Self-love has been a long one. Somewhere along the line I forgot who I was and I started to believe what I did and thought defined who I was. I did not remember I was a blessed child of creator energy and was by nature loving and kind.
The stories I told myself about the experiences I had in my childhood were not stories of love. Because of being abandoned both physically and emotionally, not being seen for the beautiful soul I was, and how I acted out my emotional pain and sorrow, I was led to believe something was wrong with me.
(I want to be clear that I am not making my family wrong. Because I have done extensive healing work I am very clear that my family was loving and good. They did the best they could and gave me everything they had. We were a close family, always together. The experiences I had which led to my perception of who I was had everything to do with my journey. It’s what I came here to do and because of all of it I found my way to a peaceful, healing place.)
I treated myself unkindly and put myself in harm’s way many times. I looked for love in all the wrong places and instead of finding love I found rejection and heartache. These experiences confirmed what I already believed about myself-that I was defective. I did not know I held those beliefs and blamed my inability to have peace in my life on other people, places, and circumstances. My story was usually..if only things were different.
Finally, on my way home to the Self I left, I began to remember what I’d forgotten when I came to this planet as a baby. I started to see how my story about my life was just a story. The experiences were real, but what I told myself about who I was in the experience was an illusion. It was my perception and no one ever questioned it or told me anything different.
I was a victim of life, family beliefs and religion, and as a child I certainly did not know how to rise above those ingrained beliefs. So I lived with it for most of my life, until I heard the call to come home to my connection to my source, my higher Self, my Spirit being.
The deeper my connection to my creator, my source of life, the more I love and appreciate my Self. That love permeates my being and shows me how to embrace and appreciate all of myself. The more I honor my Self, the less I attack and judge, and the more I truly love and care for others.
I long to see everyone live a peaceful, joyful life, and as such, I know I have to become what I most long to see. I cannot change the world or anyone in it, but I can continue my journey home to my peaceful center where I am called to abide. I also can continue to lay down my sword and shield in surrender to the divine mystery, the beloved whom I call creator energy, and trust all will eventually return home to peace.